Relationships
Sorry……
Some believe that the most powerful word in any language is the word “love”. I would agree, but, there is another word that is just as powerful. This word can stop tears, clear confusion, help to heal a broken heart…..this word is so powerful that I bet it could stop wars, but instead lands become militarized, blood is shed and the destinies of men and women are halted. Too many people have had to find a way to fight through life without this word ever being uttered to them, they had to fight to get to their place of being healed without an explanation that should come with this word to relieve the “what if’s” and the “what could I have done differently’ that people torment themselves with….the word that I am referring to is “sorry”.
The word “sorry” is a gift, do you hear me….it is a gift that can make someone look less like a jerk or a mean girl and can start someone’s heart to beat again. If you owe a sorry to someone, darn it -say it and if you have the courage, explain what that sorry means. If you are waiting to hear, sorry, don’t put your life on hold waiting for it. If you never hear that word again in your life, healing will happen for you and you just might be little stronger for it – just don’t drive yourself crazy with those “what ifs”. If sorry does come your way, be sure to accept it with honesty and above all accept it with grace.
I heard this song by Adele on my way home last night, it is fabulous.
Lyrics:
Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet? To go over everything, they say that time is supposed to heal ya, but I haven’t done much healing…….I must have called a thousand times to tell you that I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done……at least I can say that I tried to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart.
I Don’t Fall In Love
I have a friend who is constantly falling in love all the time. Every other day this woman is in love with someone new, geesh. Her explanation every time is that she just fell in love. It is maddening.
I don’t fall in love. I am never that careless with my heart. If I love you, then I have made that decision to release a wall in my heart and paint that a shade of you. If I love you, then I have chosen to love you, there is no accident and no falling. That means that I have seen some good and I have even seen some bad parts of you and still I have chosen to love….you.
Some might say that if you choose to love, then you can choose not to love. Well, that part is not so easy. Love is not a light switch, instead it entwines within the fabric of your soul, love becomes part of who you are and once it is part of who you are, you are never the same again. Sometimes when loving someone does not work out the way you had hoped, it is difficult and it takes time and commitment to yourself to move past that love… to paint your heart a different color and start anew….and again, you are choosing to love.
To love,
Helen
Make Love Stay
I sat and watched a wedding from my office window this weekend. It was not a large wedding with tons of decorations, people, or flowers, but rather very quaint and intimate with just a small group of witnesses and the bridal party. Slowly the wedding party slowly march together and joined the groom at the front. Then he waited, his eyes focused toward the distance looking intently for his bride. I started to get nervous for this groom…. where is the bride? But….he waited patiently, he waited peacefully….he waited and waited.
Then finally she came out and came forth and stood at the end of the aisle. I could almost feel the energy that was connecting them. It was truly indeed a beautiful moment, when I saw him exhale and smile one of the biggest loving smiles I could ever long to see for myself. Before she moved a long wispy curl fell down and a lady rushed right to her side and pinned it up. Now…..she is ready!
As I watched this bride, take each careful step toward her groom, toward her good morning, toward her goodnight, toward her I love you, toward her forever earthly love – I pondered…….
I sat there and watched this union solidify before God and man. I continued to watch as they walked arm and arm after the ceremony across a windswept field so close and in tune with one another… and I began to hum the song that Dan Fogelberg sang so beautifully called, Make Love Stay.
How will they make love stay? Will he always be so patient in waiting or her as he did today? Will the corners of his mouth turn up to the smile that he smiled when he first saw his bride at the end of the aisle? Will she always take the time to look her best for him….pinning up that fallen strand?
If we could capture every moment, thought, feelings… if we could bottle the love and hope for forever that is expressed and felt on the wedding day…there would be no question on how to make love stay. Since there is no bottle labeled “Wedding Day”, then marriage will hopefully be a masterful journey of love, evolving love, forgiveness, hope, understanding, joy, memories, support…..now that is how you make love stay.
Make Love Stay Lyrics by Dane Fogelberg:
Now that we love
Now that the lonely nights are over
How do we make love stay?
Now that we know
The fire can burn bright or merely smolder
How do we keep it from dying away?
Already a Bride: Part One
King James Bible Proverbs 18:22
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
The scripture says findeth a “wife”, it did not say, he that findeth the woman who will become his wife, she is already a wife. Wow….so what does this mean? This means that if you desire to be married and are faithfully praying for a husband then you should already be a wife. Now, this does not mean that you go down to the local Wal-Mart and find yourself a pretty little lacey thing to put on for your boo. I most certainly do not mean that! Sex is certainly a wonderful and sacred part of marriage but what you have to remember is that after the honeymoon, after you kiss each other good morning and start out on a new day, there are bills to pay, cars to maintain, schedules to coincide, there are considerations for each other that may be an inconvenience to you, yep, you just may have to sacrifice! Okay, it is great to be able to throw down in the bedroom and have him crave you like an afternoon snack, but you have to be wife MINDED too!!!
Every marriage is like a fingerprint. It is different and unique in it’s own way. Sometimes in a marriage the roles are reversed and some marriages are still very traditional. There is nothing wrong with either as long as you and your spouse both agree. It doesn’t hurt now to start thinking about what type of wife you want to be. Then you can eventually couple that with the expectations of your husband when you get married. The bottom line is that you need to bring something to the table, more than some hips and thighs. After all you can’t spend your lives butt naked in the bedroom getting busy 24/7! smh….
So what is already being a bride about? For example, a nursing student goes through four years of nursing school, but they are not technically considered a practicing nurse until they have taken their Boards and passed all sorts of tests and certifications. The college would not stick a student in a hospital room to care for a patient with out having prepared then to do so. Same goes for you, the unmarried wife, God is allowing you this time of singleness to prepare. Don’t use this time to sulk about being single or to make poor decisions in dating that will affect you down the line. Now is the time to gather or fine tune your skill sets, and to become the best possible version of you before walking down that aisle.
We are going to dive into this some more, but here are some questions that you need to ask yourself for now:
-Physically – What are you doing physically to be ready for your husband? Are you comfortable with your body?
-What is your skill set outside of the bedroom? Okay great… you can drop it down and bring it back up , but like I said earlier unfortunately the hours spent in the bedroom are limited and then you still have to sneak in some time to sleep.
-Can you prepare a decent home cooked meal? Manage the bills?
-Can you sew a button on or tie a tie?
-Do you know how to clean a home? I am not talking about throwing stuff in a back room. I am talking about cleaning and organizing so that the two of you can live comfortably and find things.
-Do you know how to maintain a home? Cut grass, manage repairs, etc. I am not saying that you have to but if you had to at any point… could you?
-Spiritually speaking, are praying for your husband now, even before you come together? Are you praying that he is allowing God to keep him and prepare him for you? Could pray him through and be a support to him in the rough times?
-Are you prepared to be an emotional support to you husband?
-Do you have hobbies? Do you participate in groups or activities that will enrich you outside of spending time with your spouse?
The list could go on and on. In the weeks ahead we will tackle some of these keys areas with more blogs and even guest speakers, so that we all might have a better understanding of how to effectively become an unmarried wife.
Shhhh…. I hear wedding bells in the distance, but now is the time to prepare.
On the journey, Helen
Ain’t Everybody Stalkin’ Yo Behind
Do you know someone or met someone who is always claiming that someone is stalking them? Every time you turn around they are changing their number, avoiding calls or locking down their social media so tight that it rivals the security of Fort Knox? I can understand that once in a blue moon you encounter someone who is dead set on making you be part of their world, yeah, that is creepy. However…..if everyone you know is after you, then maybe the problem is you… and this is no great mystery to solve, there is only one question to ask and that is……Are closing out your relationships or are you ghosting out?
Examples of closing out:
- This is not a relationship that I would like to pursue, because………………..
- This is over. This relationship is done and we need to go our separate ways, because………………
- You are a great person but we are not and will not ever be great together, and these are the reasons why…………………..
- I don’t want to be a relationship with you because…………………….
Notice how reasons are given? People deserve to know why you are ending a relationship with them. They have invested their time and emotions into you and the kindest thing that you can do is tell them why you are dismissing yourself and not leave them to wonder. Furthermore, you should be prepared to give those honest reasons and stand behind them 100% because most likely there will be some discussion which is a healthy, normal, adult thing to do but in the midst of all of that, if you are serious about leaving you will need to stand firm.
Examples of ghosting out:
- Avoiding or not returning phone calls
- Not showing up for planned events or pretending that you forgot
- Not returning texts or emails
- Denying that you ever spent time or knew that person (yes, this does happen!!!!)
- Saying that the romantic relationship that you were in was nothing more than friendship
To my ghosters….You never know what it takes for someone to open up and allow someone into their world, their hearts, or even their thoughts… for some it takes a lot and when people treat that like it is nothing, it can rattle and shake your world and most people will want some answers but the problem is that folks just disappear…. like a ghost.
This could go on and on, but for now, please know that everyone is not a stalker, some people just want answers and I hope that you find it in your heart to provide closure to those who you brought into your world and who trusted you to be part of theirs.
Peace – Helen
Buffet Dating
I enjoyed a conversation the other day with a Christian colleague on dating. While we differ on approaches, we do agree on one thing….dating is an important part of discovering things about yourself and being in tuned with God on choosing a suitable and appropriate mate. Our disagreement came with the approach to dating. She believes in more of a buffet style approach with dating several people at one time, while I tend to have key items that I look for first and test the compatibility by spending time together, one person at a time, maybe two.
She thinks that my style of dating cuts off your universal abundance to all the possibilities. Well I can understand how someone might think that way. I am not even saying that buffet dating is wrong, but there needs to be some level of sensitivity involved in the process. The important thing is that we cannot forget that those “possibilities” are people, they have emotions, feelings, and hearts that they have to deal with long after those gregarious buffeters have moved on to what they consider to be greener grass.
I have been on the receiving end of a buffet dater and let me tell you that it was not a pleasant experience. Actually it was a heart wrenching roller coaster of up and down disappointments. He would talk about building a future together and having kids, and then emotionally retreat for days and even weeks at a time. Then after a while I would hear that he was dating someone else…..and I was supposed to be okay with the fact that he played with the very hopes within my heart that I had toward him? I was not okay, and I wish at some point he would have understood how “not okay” his actions made me – but that is another lesson learned —that you must always self-care your own heart.
Bottomline: If you are buffet dater, then make sure that everyone that you are involved with knows that you date many people at one time. And please, at no point in time should you talk about a future together with any of these people that you are dating unless you are sure that you are willing to work toward a future with that person. While you are exploring the “possibilities” of a mate, again, be sure to be sensitive to the fact that those “possibilities” have feelings and emotions that you need to be considered just as much as yours.
In other words….don’t be an emotional terrorist.
Helen
Communicate
DO NOT under estimate the devil. It is amazing what the adversary can accomplish when people don’t communicate, clarify, and seek understanding.
Make It Count
Love, family, friends, opportunities, and time are too often taken for granted.
Today is a day that we will never see again…..make it count for good.
Helen
We Both Know
Woke up not long ago with this song in my head. Beautiful song.
Someone on YouTube ask what the first verse of the song was saying this was my response:
I will explain what it means to me…”They all say it, all the ones who made, once you find the one you claim it but you’re gonna have to fight. When I think back, the things that threw us off track, we handled like a heart attack cuz we didn’t see the light.”
Sometimes love is easy, you fall right in and sail on. Other times, the love is there, but there are obstacles that you have to fight through in order to come together. Sometimes if you are not careful, you can deal with those obstacles in a way that is damaging to your relationship (handle them like a heart attack) and fall a part instead of becoming stronger together and really seeing the light in your love. This is what I know- there are pages in my heart that speak to this all too well.